The Egyptian Baweb

Before I came to Cairo, I was researching apartments on Craigslist.

They varied greatly. Different areas. Different prices. Different kinds of roommates. Different room sizes.

There was one thing they all had in common, though: a mysterious, all-powerful force that the residents seemed to worship. “Don’t make him mad”; “You have to get on his good side”; “He will help you….for a price.”

These were all things that I saw on Craigslist apartment ads, and for someone that had read too many Goosebumps books as a kid, I was instantly reminded of Camp Jellyjam. It looked like a normal summer camp….until you discovered the secret. The kids were actually slaves to a giant purple blob, and they spent their days hosing off his sweat.

My flight to Cairo was in three days, and I was terrified. Who were these apartment people making sacrifices to?

…..

Enter Mr. Baweb.

Not so much an all-powerful blob….but still very much important.

The Egyptian baweb is unique. He is doorman (direct translation), security guard, grocery shopper, errand runner, peace maker, part-time shisha-smoker, full time football-watcher (and likely mustache aficionado), all rolled into one. He is present in about 90 percent of Egyptian apartments, oftentimes lives on the bottom floor, and spends most of his day monitoring the comings and goings of his building.

He is also one of the most important relationships you will ever have in Egypt. Get the right baweb, with the right personality, and you as a foreigner will have free reign. Slip up, though, and you can kiss your freedom goodbye.

You see, Egypt (Cairo included) is quite conservative. It’s an obvious point, but the way this plays out with your baweb is of vital importance.

He usually has every right to deny you liberty, if it threatens his image of respect in the community. Invite friends over for a party at your place? Come home too late without letting anybody know? Invite a girl over and (God forbid) let her stay the night?

No way, Jose. If your baweb is conservative, and takes these things seriously, these might all be impossible.

Here is just one example. I was dating an American girl who lived downtown. One night, she invited me to sleep over. We played it cool. Going up to her room, I nodded at the baweb and greeted him in Arabic. He smiled, shook my hand, and I was on my way. I thought this was my in. I thought me and Mr. Baweb were tight.

Boy was I wrong. Sure, I didn’t understand everything he screamed at me the next morning, but I got the gist.

Mish mohTAWrim! “Not respectful.”

The girl and I weren’t married, and we had slept in the same place. End of story.

I didn’t press my luck a second time.

That being said, when I myself moved downtown about a year later, whole different story. I came with a taxi full of bags. When I got out, my new baweb gave me the up and down, then picked up a suitcase.

Door eltehnee? “Second floor?”

This is before I had even met the guy.

And when any girl would come over, or I’d stumble hope drunk at 3 in the morning? My baweb would either be fast asleep, or just wave at me with a late night cigarette in his hand. Sweet, sweet freedom.

…..

As a Westerner, the thought that I could be an adult and have my liberty so curtailed blew my mind. I didn’t get it (with three years in Cairo under my belt, I still don’t). But, like many things in Egypt, I came to accept it.

After all, the culture wouldn’t be changing anytime soon.

Still, like everything, the baweb is highly circumstantial. Your experience is going to be different depending on where you live, what kind of lifestyle you prefer, and the personality of the man himself.

Maybe you live in Zamalek, and the baweb deals with foreigners constantly.

Maybe your baweb is too busy drinking tea, and doesn’t give two shits what you do.

Maybe you don’t even have a baweb.

It all depends.

Assuming you do, though, accept this cultural aspect for what it is: a guy doing a job he probably doesn’t want, for little pay, dealing with people who don’t really appreciate him.

Love him or hate him, your baweb is here to stay. Might as well get used to it.

…..

So let’s give thanks to bawebs everywhere.

They’re not the purple blob from Camp Jellyjam…..but superheros.

Mr. Baweb: keeping apartment doors safe since before you were born.